Super Bowl Sunday – FEASTMODE
This article WILL NOT contain the following:
- Replace your barbecue chicken wings with dry boneless/skinless chicken breast!
- Celery is a great replacement for chips and dip!
- Water will make you feel so much better on Monday than booze!
- Marshawn Lynch should be the only one eating Skittles on Sunday!
This article WILL help YOU succeed in conquering the Super Bowl Sunday feast this year and forever, while still eating all of the fantastically delicious snacks and foods associated with football. This is the last NFL game for the next 8 months so, by god, enjoy it.
What kind of Super Bowl snacker are you? Are you a one-plate kinda person who loads up, sits down, and doesn’t move between the Star Spangled Banner, watches and listens to every advertisement, suffers through the halftime show, and the entire game until the final whistle? Or are you more of a social butterfly who wanders around, shmoozes and passes the snack table multiple times during the game? Knowing what kind of personality you have when it comes to watching TV will help you prepare for the day of sports indulgence.
The Bench Warmer
You typically are very care free and oblivious to the food on your plate or in front of you during the game. The nosh is secondary to what’s really important, which is a competitive game with a potential wardrobe malfunction. If food is in front of you, you’ll eat it when you aren’t screaming or laughing hysterically at your weird uncle who just tripped over a lazy boy after too many beers. You’ll also happily accept a drink from the waterboy or watergirl, but you won’t go out of your way to get off that cozy bench (couch).
Bench warmers should prepare for the big game by trying to be less mindless when they sit down and view the spread. Plan your attack by portioning out what you want to eat on a plate for yourself and push the platters and bowls of chips, nuts, wings over to the guy sitting next to you. You aren’t going to be tempted if there’s no snacks within an arm’s reach. Really easy game plan here!
The Tight End
I definitely fall into this category because I can’t help but do a million calculations in my head before I actually take a bite. One big delicious cheat meal isn’t going to hurt your hard-earned weight loss, ruin a diet that’s in progress, or put you on injured reserve…unless of course you get carried away with the booze and become acquainted with a sharp corner of the TV.
Tight ends should give themselves piece of mind and relax during the game by planning in advance for the binge. Try to skip breakfast and lunch or keep the calories under 500 because you’re going to get your fill during the game. This is known as intermittent fasting and is a very effective technique for making room.
The Head Coach
You are a nervous wreck the entire game. You can be seen pacing the side table where the trail mix, cheese it’s, and cooler are sitting while you take turns biting pizza and your fingernails during the tense moments. You calm your nerves by chewing, which means you are going to be doing a snacking.
Take a Xanax! No, seriously, some folks are just nervous sports watchers and/or eaters. Try to position yourself somewhere away from the snack table, but where you still have a good view of the game. Eat your fill before kickoff so you aren’t feeling the hunger pangs!
Thank you for planning such a glorious American event and letting us completely trash your place! The entire team is depending on you, by the way, so don’t pull a Delhomme and throw four picks in the biggest game of your life. Your electric and credit card bills will be double this month because you’ve been cooking for a week and bought a new entertainment system. The quarterback also has the responsibility of setting up early, taste testing everything on the field before it’s served, and then picking up the and saving the leftovers.
Quarterbacks should send food home with their teammates because having Super Bowl munchies in the house after football season is a recipe for disaster. Also, delegate a couple of friends to help you set and clean up to make the process go by faster and prevent you from taking too many Cheeto breaks. The quarterback has a lot of responsibility and there’s no shame in moving to the backup position next year.
You, sir or madam, are the focal point of any great Super Bowl party. You’ve been pumped up for this day since Tuesday after the Super Bowl last year, have been expanding your stomach over the past week, and already called the Quarterback five times to make sure all of your favorite fixins will be on the table. You have the all-time record for consumption of beer and chicken wings during a four quarter contest and are going to try to break it again this year because you don’t actually have a rooting interest this season. 49ers fans, you are definitely going for MVP status this season!
It’s a given you aren’t going to hold back, Mr or Ms. MVP. Why should you…it’s the greatest day of the year? Prepare yourself by doing a quick crash diet before the game. I recommend a PSMF (protein sparing modified fast). These diets are restricted to lean protein, fibrous and low calorie vegetables, and a couple grams of fat. It will typically be between 1,200-1,600 calories for men and 800-1,200 calories for women every day. You’ll be able to drop up to 2 pounds of fat, or 3-7 pounds of weight leading up to the game! Enjoy yourself MVP, we’re counting on you!
Every party has at least one referee…the guy sitting against the wall, watching the other participants, judging every morsel of food that goes into our mouths, and throwing a flag every time they feel we dipped our wing in ranch dressing too long. Swallow your whistle buddy, nobody wants to hear your crap! Go ahead and bring your kale crackers or whatever it is that you’re eating, but please do us all a favor and quietly watch the game. You’ll get an invite back next year…maybe.
Having an epic Super Bowl party is important and you can game plan to fit your personality! Whatever happens on February 1, you’ll leave with a full stomach and a clear conscience. Can I get a SEA–HAWKS!